Square Pegs: No Substitutions

Square Pegs: No Substitutions
CBS
February 14, 1983
Sitcom
DVD
B

This Andy Borowitz story takes a different approach than I was expecting.  To begin with, we just saw an episode where Rob Donovan (Steven Peterman) was the "unconventional" teacher, but here he has to be the sane one in comparison to substitute teacher Jack McNulty, played by Bill Murray at his most billmurrayness.  He comes in and sweeps Patty, the school, and the episode off their feet, so it's hard for the viewer to get his or her bearings.  One minute McNulty comes across as a charming predator and then the next we're not meant to take anything he says or does seriously.  Lauren, loyal to Rob, is the only one who doesn't fall for McNulty, although she's initially pleased when he pairs her up with Vinnie for the class mock-marriage assignment.  (Johnny seems pleased to be paired with Muffy, who's revolted, while Marshall and Jennifer both seem mildly annoyed by their marriage.  And LaDonna is a widow.)  While McNulty does some questionable things here (including insulting students), Murray is of course a funny scene-stealer.  And, yes, and another SNL connection.

Karen Armstrong again appears as Cindy.

Square Pegs: To Serve Weemawee All My Days

Square Pegs: To Serve Weemawee All My Days
CBS
February 7, 1983
Sitcom
DVD
B

This Borowitz & Hirsch story has Mr. Rob Donovan (Steven Peterman) nearly fired for his "unconventional" teaching style and personal life.  Muffy, whose own grandmother called her a "fascist" (on the Bat Mitzvah episode), objects to both.  She thinks he should teach only from the textbook, and she's horrified to hear that he lives with his girlfriend and her child.  (It's unclear if this is also his child, but I'm thinking not, since at the end we find out that the girlfriend's divorce hasn't yet gone through.)  Principal Dingleman (Basil Hoffman) somewhat agrees with Muffy, but mostly he doesn't want any controversy.  Although Lauren is disappointed that her crush is living with someone, she makes the sacrifice of urging Rob to get married.  And she, Patty, their friends, and even the popular kids hold a sit-in to keep Rob at the school.  I'm a little surprised that Rob talks about things he's fought for, including the ERA (and, it's implied, the legalization of marijuana), and yet isn't willing to stand up for himself until he realizes that even Jennifer learned something from him.

The episode works on a couple extra levels, one political and one meta.  Muffy, with her "Moral Code Club," represents the Moral Majority, while Dingleman, without explanation quotes Vice-President Agnew, so they represent conservative forces in the '60s through '80s, while Rob is identified with the Left, although even materialistic Jennifer likes him.  As for the meta, Rob says in the tag that he'd rather be right than popular, and Lauren agrees, to Patty's surprise.  I'll talk more about the "failure" of this series when we get to the end, but in episodes like this it's clear that the writers weren't afraid of being different than the typical teen sitcom.

Square Pegs: Merry Pranksters

Square Pegs: Merry Pranksters
CBS
January 10, 1983
Sitcom
DVD
B-

A nice touch in this Deanne Stillman story is that some of the action takes place the week this aired, as with "Monday, January 10" appearing on the screen.  On the other hand, when we see the address for the high school, it's in "Weemawee, USA," with a six-digit zip code.  Things that happen in this episode:

• Muffy raps, to Johnny's bongo accompaniment;
• Jennifer has mono, as does an offscreen character mentioned before, senior Bubba Hines;
• Lauren's latest scheme for popularity involves vandalism, but Vinnie is the natural suspect, and doesn't mind because suspension would allow him to spend time with Jennifer;
• Patty and Lauren have lines about not wanting to be too intellectual for their audience, so Patty suggests "Joanie loves Chachi" as a message, which was not only topical but a bit meta, since that Happy Days spin-off definitely did not present an intellectual view of young people;
• Johnny and Marshall make references to Jim Morrison and "People Are Strange," but then Johnny does have the Doors drummer in his band;
• The graffiti doesn't work out, but the phony ad to sell the school attracts a rich Arab.

Basil Hoffman returns as Principal Dingleman.  Friedman shared directing duty with Nasella, who would direct one on his own.

Square Pegs: It's All How You See Things

Square Pegs: It's All How You See Things
CBS
December 27, 1982
Sitcom
DVD
B-

This Janis Hirsch story is another with the basic cast of eight.  As in the theme song, Patty doesn't want to but has to wear her glasses.  She ends up causing an accident when she stops wearing them, and Lauren's leg gets broken.  Patty is annoyed at all the attention Lauren gets, when no one feels bad about her "handicap" of near-sightedness.  Meanwhile, LaDonna wants to be a d.j. on the campus radio, so she and Jennifer are nice to Lauren to get her to talk to station manager Marshall.  (Note that LaDonna's use of the word "Madonna" has pre-Ms.-Ciccone associations.)  There's a cute moment at the end when Johnny trades his sunglasses for Patty's eyeglasses.  The music, including by Josie Cotton, seems to be intact as far as I can tell.

Square Pegs: Muffy's Bat Mitzvah

Square Pegs: Muffy's Bat Mitzvah
CBS
November 29, 1982
Sitcom
DVD
B

This is arguably the best known episode of the series, with Devo appearing as themselves to perform at the event of the title.  (And, yes, Muffy is 14 but she explains why this gathering is being held a year late.)  It could've gone in the direction of the Who's the Boss? episode that promises but fails to deliver Wilson Phillips, but Devo does show up in the end and gives us "That's Good."  (There don't seem to be any music rights issues on this episode, but music is more central to the plot.)  Along the way, Muffy doesn't invite, invites, and tries to un-invite Patty, Lauren, Marshall, and Johnny, with them all trying to manipulate her.  Johnny's "new" band is called Open 48 Hours (twice as good as the previous band).  Marshall refers to Lauren and Patty as their "chicks" and "foxes," while Johnny calls them their "old ladies."  Note that Marshall is also Jewish.

William Bogert, who had a couple roles on M*A*S*H, plays Muffy's dad, while the actress playing her grandmother, Dena Dietrich, is probably best known for her appearances as Mother Nature in Chiffon margarine commercials, but did show up as a Science teacher on Welcome Back, Kotter.  (And although I don't have Muffy's mom in any of my other shows, Marj Dusay is recognizable as Blair's mother on Facts of Life.)  Maggie Munro, who plays a Jewish Girl here, would be an unspecified Student later, uncredited both times.  John Densmore returns as himself (the Doors drummer who's happy to play in Johnny's band).  Richard Blade makes his first of two appearances as himself, and would have a similar role in Parker's 1985 movie Girls Just Want to Have Fun.  

This is the only Pegs story written by Beatts's Saturday Night Live colleague Rosie Shuster, and so the jokes about SNL and NBC have an extra bite.

Square Pegs: Open 24 Hours

Square Pegs: Open 24 Hours
CBS
November 22, 1982
Sitcom
DVD
B-

This slow-moving but likable story about Johnny's perhaps nonexistent band is the first of three scripts by Deanne Stillman.  Principal Dingleman (Basil Hoffman) asks the students what careers they want and is supportive of everyone, except Johnny, since (as we see in a black & white flashback) the Dingletones were an unsuccessful answer to Fabian.  Marshall sets out to prove the principal wrong, despite Johnny's doubts.  We also find out that Patty wants to be a writer, which is of course ironic in light of Sex and the City.  We do get to see Johnny perform at the grocery store where he's a box boy.  Also notable for Patty and Lauren talking in sync, which makes Lauren jokingly suggest they go steady.

John Densmore, drummer for the Doors, appears as himself.  Karen Armstrong returns as Cindy.

Square Pegs: Weemaweegate

Square Pegs: Weemaweegate
CBS
November 15, 1982
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Things that are odd about this episode:

• That LaDonna nominates Vinnie as the school mascot, despite her dislike of him in previous episodes and despite the fact that it will make her best friend jealous;
• That Marshall nominates Johnny, claiming he's part-Indian (actually he's part-Polish, and we find out that his real last name is something like Lassovich);
• That none of these teens (who were six to eight in '74) can remember Watergate, and yet Marshall has Nixon as one of his celebrity impressions;
• That Lauren and even Patty are quick to suspect their friend Marshall of dirty tricks, even though it's obvious to the viewer who the real culprit is;
• That Muffy seems attracted to Vinnie;
• That no one points out all the stereotypes about Indians, although maybe that's a culture gap between the early '80s and now.

Steven Peterman makes his first of five appearances as Lauren's crush, Mr. Rob Donovan, the History and Journalism teacher (and, it's implied, former drug dealer).

Square Pegs: Square Pigskins

Square Pegs: Square Pigskins
CBS
October 18, 1982
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Less sharp writing (by Andy Borowitz, his first of five scripts) and a sports plot make this the weakest episode so far, yet I do like that we find out a little more about LaDonna, still a stereotype but with her own dreams and disappointments.  Note that Lauren wants her and Patty to try out for the new girls' football team to be near the boys' football team, which is the first time she's shown interest in boys, at least in the abstract. And we actually see the kids in classrooms for a change, even doing a little schoolwork.  (Patty is good at math.)

Caitlin Adams appears for the first of four times as Ms. Loomis.  Karen Armstrong and Gary Towles return in their uncredited roles as Students.

Square Pegs: A Cafeteria Line

United in their incompleteness

Square Pegs: A Cafeteria Line
CBS
October 4, 1982
Sitcom
DVD
B

Episode 2 has a sharper script (the first of six by Janis Hirsch), a school musical (including "Ketchup as a Vegetable," then a timely dig at Reagan), and the cast really clicking together.  In fact, I may have revise my Patty/Johnny and Lauren/Marshall shipping into something more complex I wasn't consciously aware of at the time.  Not that P/J and L/M isn't a thing, partly because of height (as with Laverne/Lenny and the less viable Shirley/Squiggy) and partly because of personalities.  But something else is going on here.

Now, please don't string me up over this, but watching this with middle-aged, far less innocent eyes, I think Lauren has lesbian tendencies.  I don't just say this because her wardrobe is kind of mannish, since that may just be a fashion statement.  But she pushes Patty to date popular guys in order to boost their (Patty and Lauren's) popularity, and then she feels abandoned when Patty spends a little time with Vinnie (cast against her romantically in the musical as the drama teacher, written by the drama teacher, so don't tell me this show is completely innocent).

Meanwhile, Johnny really misses Patty, too, and is unusually talkative about it at their hangout, the Grease.  Marshall pats his back and tries to comfort him.  And Marshall says he feels like they're the Three Stooges after Curly died.  Jennifer shows up and Lauren urges her to win Vinnie back, which she does easily.  Patty realizes she's been ignoring her friends, so she apologizes, but Lauren does, too, as if she can't understand her own change in attitude.  Also, watch the adoration Lauren has her on her face when Patty sings on opening night; maybe she's just super proud of her best friend, but maybe not.

The last scene is set at the Grease and Johnny is confused but happy about whose burger is which, with Patty back.  Marshall interrupts him and says, putting one arm on Johnny's back and the other lightly on his arm, "We know, we know, Man.  We love ya."  Now, this may just be aspiring stand-up comic Marshall's show-biz patter (this is the second episode in a row where he imitates a "classic" SNL performer, this time in Rosanne Rosannadanna drag), but it at least shows that Marshall (unlike I'd say 90% of young men in '80s TV and film) isn't afraid of expressing affection towards his male friends.  This is in stark contrast to Jennifer, who can barely show affection towards Vinnie unless she wants something, and who used the word "queer" as an insult in the pilot, and here speculates on the orientation of the drama teacher, despite him being a father of six.

And what is the very next line in the tag?  Lauren's "I'm so happy we're back together, I could eat all your burgers!"  The laugh track does not respond.  And we close the scene on Johnny's friends comforting him for not getting mentioned in the school newspaper's drama review: Marshall rests his head on Johnny's shoulder, and strokes his hair, while Lauren puts one arm around him, squeezes his arm with her other hand, and says, "You were good."  (Patty mostly looks on and grins.)

Then cut to the closing credits, where the four friends make their way down the hallway, Lauren and Marshall putting their arms across each other's shoulders in a chummy way, while Patty borrows Johnny's shades and then Lauren steals them from her.  And, judging from what I know of myself, I was probably smitten with the four of them, maybe just their sis & bromance, but shrug, I don't know.  I was 14 and still pretty innocent and confused myself.  Who knows what this did to me subliminally, but I am bi and sort of poly 34 years later, so this is as good a show to blame as any.

Gary Towles returns as an uncredited Student, while Karen Armstrong makes her first of seven uncredited appearances as Cindy.  Craig Richard Nelson, who played a TV writer on What's Happening!!, would return once more as drama teacher Mr. Spacek.  Note that, much to my relief, the theme song is intact and maybe just wasn't used for the pilot.

Square Pegs: Pilot

Square Pegs: Pilot
CBS
September 27, 1982
Sitcom
DVD
B-

I was a freshman.  They were freshmen.  (Or was the term "freshpeople"?)  ABC showed That's Incredible in that slot.  And I was watching some CBS shows, not just M*A*S*H but The Jeffersons and others, so I watched this.  And I haven't seen this series in years (it might've popped up in syndication at some point), but I felt like this pilot was imprinted on my soul, that I knew what some of the lines were coming up.  But, yeah, a B-.

Let's be honest here.  Square Pegs was chockfull of stock characters, even if Johnny Slash as the New Waver was a new stereotype.  But there is something real, especially in Sarah Jessica Parker's earnest performance, that still holds up well.  I'm not crazy about losing the theme song, except ironically during this pilot episode, where the Waitresses play at the school dance and sing, "I'd like if it they liked me, but I don't think they like me...."

I'm not sure what else to say about this pilot.  I don't remember the show well enough to say, "Aha, this will be noncanonical later," or whatever.  I will point out that Johnny is a second- or third-year freshman and he drives the Slashmobile.  And there are two references to drugs, which I think was an issue with CBS about this series overall.  Oh, and I shipped Patty/Johnny and secondarily Lauren/Marshall.

The cast:

• Merritt Butrick as Johnny Slash
• Jon Caliri as Vinnie Pasetta
• John Femia as Marshall Blechtman
• Jami Gertz as Muffy Tepperman
• Basil Hoffman (who was on M*A*S*H twice) as Principal Dingleman 
• Amy Linker as Lauren Hutchinson
• Tracy Nelson as Jennifer DiNuccio
• Sarah Jessica Parker (yes, her) as Patty Greene
• Claudette Wells as LaDonna Fredericks

Carole Androsky was Miss Matusak on Welcome Back, Kotter  and is the Gym Teacher here.  Ben Marley would return once as Patty's crush, senior Larry Simpson.  Gary Towles makes his first of four appearances as an uncredited Student.  Creator Anne Beatts (of Saturday Night Live) wrote this episode, but not most of the others, while Kim Friedman would direct exactly half of the twenty-episode season.