Soap: Episode 90

Soap: Episode 90
ABC
April 20, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C+

And so this crazy four-year ride ends, with the famously unresolved, and bleak, cliffhangers.  That the episode isn't terrible, isn't bad, is actually slightly above average, is sort of frustrating, although not in the way that the below average episodes are.

Susan Harris had a "Soap bible" that she sort of followed throughout the run, although some characters, such as Burt's wife, never appeared and not every existing character had everything happen that she originally imagined.  Obviously, some things were added along the way.  But the point is, it was enough to last five years.  Hypothetically, a fifth season would've resolved some of the problems in the characters' lives, and in the level of writing.  We'll just never know.  But a fan can both want that season and feel that it may as well end here, whether it was the intention of the network (who felt that the Moral Majority and similar groups was stronger in '81 than in '77) or the burnt-out cast and crew.  Or all of the above.  Or none.

I do need to point out that if there's any good in this episode, it's mostly due to Mr. and Mrs. Tate.  Helmond to the very end (and whether Jessica actually dies depends on how you interpret her appearance on Benson) keeps Jessica, lovely, well-dressed, sweet, optimistic, charming, dippy in a sort of Gracie-Allen way (Sandia remarks that if you think about it, she actually makes sense), and devoted to her family.  And Mandan takes what is one of the oldest subjects of farce and soap opera, catching his son in bed with his young wife, and plays it for all he can, as both farce and soap opera, and even a bit of tragedy.  If Season Five would have given both performers more meaty stuff like this, then it is a great loss.

But there would still be the problem of Mr. and Mrs. Campbell.  If Burt had survived the ambush, would it have woken him to the loss of his family and true self?  Or would there be more scenes like him offering Danny zero sympathy for his love life?  (Not that I've ever been crazy about Danny's love life, but Burt and Danny used to be best friends.)

The timeline on this episode alone is a mess.  The Communists give El Puerco 36 hours to give himself up, and yet Danny and Annie spend three days in bed.  It's weird to look back on the first couple episodes, with their exact time-stamps for each scene.  Now things happen almost surrealistically.  Mary can give birth in an episode that airs in November and then the baby is SORASed to twelve months old in April.  If this were lampshaded, if this were clearly parody, then that would be cool.  But it's just part of the sloppiness of the season.

The Major, Mary, Jodie, Saunders, Chuck, and Bob are absent, although there is a nice bit where Bob calls the Tates, looking for Chuck.

In its first season, Soap averaged a remarkable B.  The second season was a high B-, the third a straight B-.  Season Four is book-ended by two B-s and two D+s.  The twenty-one episodes average out to the C/C+ border, slightly more on the C side.  This is not shark-jumping.  But it is a sad decline for a once good, sometimes wonderful show.  Helmond at least would go on to more sitcom glory, in the very different role of Mona on Who's the Boss?, and obviously Crystal would be the biggest success of this cast.  Almost everyone, including one-shots like George Wendt and Kurtwood Smith, would work again, sometimes quite memorably.  And Susan Harris would do Golden Girls, Empty Nest, and the intriguing failure of Hail to the Chief  (the 1985 dramedy where Patty Duke is the first female U.S. President).  But there would never again be a show quite like Soap.

Soap: Episode 89

My least favorite regular character
shares my disgust and disbelief.

Soap: Episode 89
ABC
April 20, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
D+

The opening scene caused me to exclaim aloud, "That's just stupid!  They wouldn't do that.  Especially in 1981."  Things slightly improved from there, so this is only tied for the worst episode of Soap, not a new low.

The episode begins with a stock shot of a tennis court, and I couldn't help wishing we were back in the beginning of the first season and Jessica was fooling around with Peter.  Instead Burt, who previously showed he knows nothing about golf, now turns out to be a bad tennis player.  (Maybe Peter got his athleticism from his mother.)  The dimwitted Governor and Gene, the rich Southern guy, continue to want Burt as Lieutenant Governor, but now they want him to ditch his family.  They don't mention Mary's alcoholism or Danny's criminal past; it's bad enough that Jodie is a homosexual and Chuck is a ventriloquist.  (That this seems positively quaint now is a sign of how much politics and society have changed in 35 years.)  I exclaimed because I really don't think this would be how it would be handled, especially back then.  Divorce was still somewhat of a taboo in politics (despite Reagan's election), and it would make more sense, and be funnier, if they instead advocated that Burt's family get training in how to be media-friendly, like teaching Mary to look adoringly at Burt during his speeches.

Burt looks like he's considering distancing himself from his family and I have to ask what the purpose of this is.  I suppose it's a "devil on the mountaintop" moment, but dramatically what needs to happen is for Burt to stand up and say, "My family may not be perfect but they mean everything to me."  Instead he just sits there, looking uncomfortable.  When sinister figures later plan to give him the Serpico treatment, it's hard to care.

El also has to choose between the personal and the political, since Jessica is kidnapped by two not particularly threatening Communists (see below), whom her family nonetheless fear will kill her.  Should El try to rescue her, or would that put her, and everyone, further at risk?  I might be invested in this if it didn't feel so out of nowhere, and if Dutch would fricking stop sobbing and talking like an idiot!  Oh, and if Billy would quit mispronouncing, "Silencio!"

In the final scene, Mary is distraught and Jodie/Julius sort of cheers her up, and the scene might work if, one, I weren't tired of this schtick and, two, if there weren't a gratuitous rape joke (about Cassocks ravaging an ugly woman).

Still, still, the show isn't flat out terrible.  It might in a way be more bearable if it were.  When, for instance, Jessica is getting the Commies to move her bedroom furniture, there are glimpses of what once was.  That there are still talented people involved, most of them wasting their talents, is what's heart-breaking.  A full-on shitstorm shark-jump would at least be something to grimly laugh at.

Luis Avalos, who previously played a doctor on Soap, is miscast as Communist leader General Sandia, since the Electric Company veteran has such a quiet, gentle demeanor.  Writer Barry Vignon plays Private Esquivo and actually does an OK job, but it's hard to believe that these two will ruthlessly kill Jessica to achieve political ends.  Danny, Chuck, and Bob are absent, Chuck & Bob for good.

Soap: Episode 88

Soap: Episode 88
ABC
April 13, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C-

Chester finds El and some of the other men (including Saunders, who you'd think would stay out of it) in a restaurant, where they're planning the next step in the revolution and finds himself challenged by El to a duel.  Jessica tries to talk to Burt about his marriage with Mary, but seems more concerned about Phil Donahue and Marlo Thomas.  (An in-joke, as Marlo's brother was one of the producers.)  Burt later speaks at a congressional hearing and two men plot his murder.  Maggie finds out that Jodie is stuck in a past life.  And Danny and Annie go to bed, feel guilty, and then plan to have sex again.

Pat McNamara, who plays the Chairman, would be "Gentleman Joe" Cavanaugh on M*A*S*H.  Kopi Soritopulos, who plays the New York Senator, would be Larry's Uncle on Three's Company, while Raleigh Bond, who's the Oregon Senator, would be Eddie on Bosom Buddies.  And Michael Fairman, who plays Lou, was Mr. Peters on Buddies.  Eunice is absent.

Soap: Episode 87

Soap: Episode 87
ABC
April 13, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C

Well, we're back down to just Harris & Silver writing the show, for what it's worth.  (Not much.)  Burt is offered the lieutenant governor's spot but is irritated with his family, including Mary, who insists that Scotty (now twelve months old) can fly.  Chester admits he still loves Jessica, and Dutch admits he misses sex with Corinne.  Danny and Annie, who've both been left (by Gwen and Chester respectively), bond over their bad habits and become physically attracted to each other.

Jay Garner, who plays Gene, would be Jason Defarge on Three's Company.  And, yes, that's 32-year-old George Wendt as the Counterman.  The Major, Eunice, Billy, and I think for the first time Jessica are absent.

Soap: Episode 86

Burt would rather spend time with the Governor
and wife than with his own lonely, alcoholic wife.

Soap: Episode 86
ABC
March 23, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
D+

When the best things about the episode are Mary and Jessica respectively leaving Burt and kicking Chester out of the house, things that have of course happened before, it's fair to say that if the show isn't shark-bait, it's awfully close to awful.  Mandan almost saves his scene, where he captures Chester's hypocritical indignation that Jessica slept with El (and in an earlier scene we see her non-explicitly teaching El that women are orgasmic) the night that Chester eloped with Annie.  But then Chester calls Annie a slut and it feels out of character; he's a sometimes cruel man but he's also classy.  And while Mary was mistaken to leave Burt before, it's painful to see how justified she is this time.  His character change is too extreme and implausible, and, yes, I found the alien abduction more plausible.

Meanwhile, it's a toss-up which is more painful to watch, Jodie being turned through hypnotism into a 90-year-old Jewish man, or Dutch and Eunice yet again trying to spice up their sex life, but I'm going to go with the latter because, one, she tells Dutch he physically repulses her, and two, she slept with a burglar, thinking it was one of Dutch's disguises, and the scene ends with her alone and holding her necklace out the window in hopes that the thief will return.  This is the worst episode of Soap so far, and with four more to go, I can't see the series bouncing back much.

Danny, Chuck, and Bob are absent, and who could blame them?

Soap: Episode 85

Soap: Episode 85
ABC
March 23, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C

OK, we're down to four writers again, Clair & McMahon having left, but it doesn't really help.  This can be seen in the rescue scene, where characters enter the dungeon one or two at a time and all the chatter is supposed to be funny, but I actually sympathize with Burt who wants to get things moving.  Of course, that's the only time I sympathize with Burt, who's still being a conceited jerk, especially towards his family.

Now that Jodie and Maggie are rescued, she wants him to live up to his dungeon marriage proposal, but he has doubts because he might still be gay.  They discuss this at the same Japanese restaurant (I think with the same actor as the chef), but it only serves as a reminder of how much funnier the Jodie & Carol scenes were.  And Jodie tells his therapist later that he didn't love the mother of his child, but the truth is I'm not at all invested in Jodie & Maggie (especially since she says, "You're not a cupcake"), while Carol was a much more interesting character, and I in fact was more convinced of Jodie's affection for her, while he just seems to love Maggie because the script says so.

Not unlike Gwen & Danny.  She's written him a goodbye note, in order to protect him, but he doesn't know that.  He wonders why whenever he falls in love, it goes badly, and he wonders if he's meant to be alone.  Unfortunately for him and us, this is not the case.

Still, Jessica forgives Mary, so that's worth something, as is Jessica recalling what a fainter Mary has always been.  And the amazing thing about Soap is that it doesn't seem like it's going to get flat-out awful.  It's just not good anymore, except for moments (like the old prisoner's worry that Nixon is President with Ike dead) and sometimes scenes.

George Wyner, who was Rex Pottinger on The Bob Newhart Show and Cpl. Benson on M*A*S*H, makes his first appearance as Jodie's therapist Dr. Rudolph.  And Jim Staahl proves he can be even less funny as a bee-fearing patient than he is as Nelson Flavor on Mork & Mindy.  Chester and Eunice are missing.  Note that Wendy looks like she's played by another baby, but it's hard to tell.

Soap: Episode 84

Soap: Episode 84
ABC
March 16, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C

While I like the conversation between Chester and Jessica, in which he explains that although he didn't love her at first, he grew to love her, and he knows he's just a habitual cheater and that has nothing to do with love, the rest of the episode has definite flaws.  For one thing, Jessica forgives Chester but not Mary, but it's unclear why, other than I guess she has much lower standards for her ex-husband than for her sister.

The biggest flaw though is that Burt has a Brady-Bunch level "swell head" personality change, only worse because Burt is supposed to be an adult.  He forbids Danny to marry Gwen, not because Danny is again rushing into a relationship, but because Gwen is a hooker and this would make Burt's war on crime look bad.  Um, excuse me but Danny used to be in the mob, and Burt is himself a killer, albeit unintentional.  Burt also insults Bob, even after Bob gets him a dinner at the White House.  Yet Chuck and Bob show up later to help plan a rescue of Jodie and Maggie, seemingly having forgiven Burt.  Burt is also worried about the press finding out Wendy was born out of wedlock and has an "allegedly homosexual father."  I'd go even lower on the grade, but at least Mary and Danny try to stand up to Burt.

Jodie, Eunice, and Dutch are absent.  Note that Burt is on the cover of Newsview.  I wonder if Donald Hollinger wrote the article.

Soap: Episode 83

Soap: Episode 83
ABC
March 16, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C+

This episode is mainly notable for the flashback showing Mary, Jessica, and Chester the day that Mary found out that Chester would be marrying Jessica, whom he barely knew, because of Mrs. Gatling's blackmail about Mr. Tate's stock fraud.  Burt is sympathetic towards Mary and happy that Danny has a kidney donor, a contrast to Burt's behavior in the following episodes.  Meanwhile, Jodie and Maggie are in a dungeon but happy because they're in love and the sex is great.  Eunice on the other hand is bored with her sex life with Dutch, and I feel zero sympathy for her, especially since she's a bitch in the first scene, where she's annoyed that they'll miss a movie because of Danny's surgery.  (You'd think she might feel some sympathy for him as her half-brother, or be concerned about Chester, but no.)

All the regulars are present this episode except understandably Danny.  This is the 800th ABC program I've reviewed, with many more to come.

Soap: Episode 82

Soap: Episode 82
ABC
March 9, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
B-

This is a more dramatic than comedic episode, but that's fine, especially after some of the comedy this season.  Burt is now a hero after taking down the crime syndicate single-handed.  He seems to be unaware of what Mary's going through about Chester, but I think she tells him in the next episode.  She tells Jessica and Danny in this episode.  Both are very upset, although Danny has to recognize that Chester is making a sacrifice for him (not bravely, but he is making it).  Jessica feels betrayed and, since the sisters' relationship has always been at the heart of the show, it's painful to watch, although of course Helmond and Damon act it well.  (Notice the way that Mary's hand reaches for Jessica and then pulls back, repeatedly, as Mary knows that this is one time she can't comfort her sister.)  I might've gone with a B, if I cared at all about the "Bat" Campbell plot, or if the writers could've resisted writing "dumb Danny" jokes at this time.

Brian Kale, who previously played an Emergency Doctor, is an Anesthesiologist here, while Debbie Combs is back as the Nurse.  Michael Currie, who was Dr. Breuer on M*A*S*H, makes his first of four appearances as the Governor (presumably of Connecticut).  Makeup Man Richard Brestoff was Ben Richards in The Brady Girls Get Married.  And, yes, that's Joel Brooks as Morty Stevens.  The Major, Jodie, Eunice, Dutch, Billy, Chuck, and Bob are all absent.

Soap: Episode 81

Soap: Episode 81
ABC
March 9, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C+

So ABC brought back Soap in the coveted 10 p.m. on Mondays slot (previously occupied by the TV version of Foul Play, starring Barry Bostwick, and, no, I don't remember it either).  They aired back to back episodes, screwing up the numbering till the end.  IMDB does not agree with A.S. Berman's Soap book, which I recently purchased, but the former does have the correct air-dates.  My feeling on numbering is that, "one-hour special" or not, if Rod Roddy is asking questions after twenty-two minutes, then that's a discrete episode.

But definitely not discreet.  Jessica finds out that El has been seeing prostitutes because he's got a madonna-whore complex (not that either calls it that), and she tells him that if he can fool around, so can she.  (I'm not sure why she doesn't just kick him out, but then look how long it took with Chester.)  Meanwhile, Jodie and Maggie go to a co-ed bathhouse, where they get information sending them to a "minja" warrior training center in Malibu.  Burt, armed only with a gun and a bat (remember that detail), breaks into the house of the Godfather (not Richard Libertini but J.J. Barry, most notable for his two appearances as Janet's boss Mr. Compton on Three's Company) and captures him and everyone else, including Tibbs (Hamilton Camp again).

Guess who was winning Monday nights that Winter?

Mary is concerned about two of her sons.  (Well, she'd be concerned about Jodie, too, if she knew he ends up in a dungeon.).  She goes to see her doctor, not Dr. Saxon (who presumably has his hands full dealing with Danny), but Dr. Drell (Earl Boen), because she's seen baby Scotty fly.  And she tells Chester, one, he's Danny's father, and two, Danny needs his kidney.  Obviously, Chester is surprised.  (I can't remember if I was when I first saw this.)  We find out that Chester and Mary had sex every night for two weeks, but when she found out she was pregnant, he announced his engagement to Jessica.  The girls' mother was going to have Chester's father arrested for an at this point unknown crime, so she blackmailed Chester into marrying Jessica.

Note that Chester refers to 28 years, but I don't know if this is since she realized she was pregnant, or since Danny was born.  If Danny is 28 now, he can't be more than a year older than Jodie, and if he's 27 1/2, I'm really calling shenanigans on the timeline.  Jodie said at the time Carol seduced him that he was 25, and he later said he moved out of the house at 26.  He would have to be 27 by now, maybe even 28.  But then, look at Billy's fluctuating age.

H.B. Haggerty, who's Warrior No. 1, was The Hammer on The Bob Newhart Show.  James Saito, who plays Hiro, at this point had made three of his four M*A*S*H appearances.  The Major, Danny, Eunice, Dutch, Billy, Chuck, and Bob are all absent.  However you number this, it's the 81st episode and it aired in '81.

Soap: Episode 80

Soap: Episode 80
ABC
January 28, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
B-

And then this episode came along.  Yes, it has six writers, but it feels more focused than lately.  Everything is either about newly divorced Chester and Jessica having sexual problems with their new partners (Chester is impotent and not over Jess, while El still refuses to even neck before marriage), or about Danny's hospitalization.  Yes, Danny is still an idiot (and apparently was at 13, too), but the love between him and Gwen, and between him and Burt (who seems to see him as more his son than Chuck) is clear.  OK, yes, Bob confesses he's an alcoholic, but even that is tangentially related.

The real turning point is when Dr. Saxon (Richard McKenzie returning one last time) says that both Danny's kidneys were damaged and he needs a donor.  Mary volunteers but the doctor says that, as her long-term physician, he can't recommend it.  So Jodie volunteers.  Mary sends everyone out of the room and tells Jodie that Danny isn't his brother.  She's mother to both but they have different fathers.  Rod Roddy says that Danny's father is either Chester, Benson, Burt Reynolds, or Mr. X.  Well, that narrows things down!  (Note that Reynolds was then 44, which would make him a teenager and not yet famous when Danny was born.)

Roddy also says that we'll find out when Soap returns in its new time slot in early March.  I wasn't watching at the time (although I have a clear memory of a promo where Chester cries, "I feel so inadequate!" and I thought what a stupid show this looked like), and I can't recall exactly what I thought watching it in syndication, a couple years later.  I was intrigued but less concerned than I'd been when Roddy had said, "Jessica Tate did not kill Peter Campbell.  One of these five people did."  I don't remember guessing but I probably would've thought Mr. X seemed like a safe bet.

The Major, Dutch, Eunice, and Billy are absent from this episode.

Soap: Episode 79

"I'd like to announce that this entire season has been a dream."

Soap: Episode 79
ABC
January 21, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C

Although it's nice to see Mary and Chuck & Bob with more to do than lately, I just feel like the show continues to spin its wheels.  Other than the interesting tidbit that Mary at 20 told Johnny he'd have to wait till marriage for sex (which will look ironic in retrospect with Mary's upcoming revelation), the main thing is Jessica throws a dinner party for El, with the following:

1. El's men pat down the guests for weapons, Eunice taking extra turns;
2. Various characters announce the changes in their romantic status, and Burt is of course thrilled that Jodie and Maggie are an item;
3. Leslie, dressed as a French maid, makes one last attempt of "This time I'm really gonna do it";
4. Someone shoots Danny from an open window.  (So much for the security measures.)

The Major is absent, although he would've fit into the party scene just fine.

Soap: Episode 78

Soap: Episode 78
ABC
January 14, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C+

For a six-writer episode, this isn't bad.  Yes, the "Juan, this is Everybody.  Everybody, Juan" routine gets old quickly and it seems hypocritical for El to call Annie a slut (although admittedly El hasn't yet slept with Jessica), but it's easy to understand Jessica's glee at El standing up to Chester.  Meanwhile, Danny and Gwen confess their love (based on what, I have no idea, at least Danny and Polly went on actual dates), and he decides to have her stay with his family, thinking Tibbs will never think of that.  (Um, the sheriff and deputy live there, and there's a shadow lurking outside the window.  I think Tibbs will figure it out.)  Jodie and Maggie are also falling for each other, but at least they've been spending a lot of time together.  He says the last time he felt this way about someone, that person had a beard, so either Jodie never felt this way about Dennis, or Dennis had a beard before we met him.  Carol has apparently left New Mexico for Alaska, but unfortunately this will not mean the return of Alice.  And, in the best scene, Burt goes to talk to his childhood pastor, now a bishop, who dies at the end.  It's a downer but at least it's good acting by Mulligan.

Fred Struthman, who plays the Bishop, was Hawkeye's Professor on M*A*S*H.  Mary is the only regular character who's absent.

Soap: Episode 77

Soap: Episode 77
ABC
January 7, 1981
Dramedy
DVD
C

The number of writers swells to six, with Barry Vigon and Danny Jacobson joining the pack for this and the following five and six episodes respectively.  The "too many cooks" saying comes to mind, although this is by no means the worst episode of the season.  It's just kind of there.

Jessica and El float around in the ocean until Billy finds them while scuba-diving in Martinique.  (His plane couldn't land in Malaguay.)  Jodie and Maggie go to a carnival and get a lead that Carol is in Albuquerque.  Chester and Dutch try to buy Burt's construction business with an IOU.  (Yes, the writers had to do double duty with writing "moron" lines for Dutch and Danny, no wonder they had to hire more.)  Later Danny admits he wants to "make love" with Gwen and is uncomfortable with her "making love" with clients while he's protecting her.  I yawn and wait for either something good or something enjoyably bad to come along again.

Dan Barrows, who plays Dr. Yalowich, the guy in the hamburger costume, was Mr. Keeney on The Bob Newhart Show and Dittman on Mork & Mindy.  Carny Robert Costanzo also has a BNS credit, as Sal Petrone.  The Major, Eunice, and Saunders are absent, but then no scenes are set at any residence.  Mary is also absent, as she will be in the next episode, but then she's mostly sleeping these days; there will definitely be things for her to do later in the season.

Soap: Episode 76

Soap: Episode 76
ABC
December 31, 1980
Dramedy
DVD
C+

Well, for a fourth season episode, this isn't bad.  Yes, Dutch sobs about Jessica, who in another scene makes the fatal (literally in her case) suggestion to hold the revolution from her house, and, yes, the Danny scene isn't very good (including a looming shadow on the window that's anything but ominous), but overall, it didn't suck.  Even the "Yes/Jess" and "Juan One" wordplay isn't bad in this first go-round, although it would get stale.  I do have to say that, other than Jodie and Maggie getting clues in a very un-urban cowboy bar, none of the plots particularly move forward.

Note that when Burt and Mary discuss when they can schedule a time to make love again (it's been months, but I don't know if before or after Scott's birth), Burt wonders if the stress of being President made Jimmy and Rosalyn stop and will make Ronald and Nancy stop soon, to which Mary replies that she doesn't think Republicans have sex.  (Probably the most dated joke but that was the stereotype at the time, that Republicans were repressed.  Of course, Mary should know better considering Chester is otherwise a stereotypical Republican.)

The episode has quite a line-up of guest stars who have appeared on other of my shows:  Tailor Frank Corsentino was a Native on Gilligan's Island and somewhat more recently ('77) was a Substitute Teacher on Welcome Back, Kotter.  Danny Goldman, who plays the creepy Stenographer, was a Waiter and a Counterman on That Girl (probably minus the beard he has here), and among other credits would become the voice of Brainy Smurf.  (Not that I have The Smurfs but I just thought it was interesting.)  David Hayward, who plays Slim, provided the earlier and better voice for Chet Boyle on Wait Till Your Father Gets Home.  David Knapp, who plays Assistant DA Rollins, was Ralph the Airport Car Rental Agent on The Bob Newhart Show.  Bartender Art Fleur (sometimes known as Art LaFleur) had been Ivan in Rescue from Gilligan's Island and recently was an MP on M*A*S*H.  Joe Mantegna makes his first of seven appearances on Soap as Juan One but would be a Sheik on Bosom Buddies.  The Major, Billy, Chuck, and Bob are absent.

Soap: Episode 75

Soap: Episode 75
ABC
December 17, 1980
Dramedy
DVD
C-

It's a bad sign when the El Puerco scene is the best thing on the episode.  Jessica is disappointed to find out El doesn't want to sleep with her till they're married (yes, she isn't yet divorced), and Helmond and Sierra play pretty well off each other.  Even the worst scene, or set of scenes, of Burt and Danny at one of Tibbs's massage parlors, Danny as a Jerry-Lewis-esque Japanese stereotype, almost overcomes the cringiness, with Danny's interactions with hooker Gwen (Jesse Welles in her first of nine appearances), while Burt offscreen squeals at his "massage."  (It's unclear what happens to him, but maybe it's better not to know.)  The other bad scene, with a barbecue where Leslie brings a rattlesnake in a box, at least shows us the backyard patio (with the pool in the background), and has Saunders dryly suggesting Mr. Tate get a job.  In other words, the episode isn't good but it's not as terrible as it could be.

Joe Perry was Sgt. Kulpepper on Gidget, had four different roles on That Girl, was the Cook on an early M*A*S*H episode*, and is Mr. Phil here.  Jodie, Billy, Chuck, and Bob are absent, although there is a mention of Billy looking for Jessica.


*This is odd looking back, because there are complaints about food all the time on that show, but we usually just see Igor Straminsky serving it and seldom know who makes it.

Soap: Episode 74

Soap: Episode 74
ABC
December 10, 1980
Dramedy
DVD
C-

OK, now it's getting a little painful, especially since I know this isn't a temporary dip but is an inevitable descent.  I'm not saying there might not be a C+ or even B- ahead of us but things do not bode well.  Danny continues to be dumber (and unfunnier) than a box of rocks, in one scene failing to read aloud words like "leper" and "ancient," and in another planning on wearing a ridiculous costume to a massage parlor.  Elsewhere, Jodie hires detective Maggie Chandler (Barbara Rhoades in her first of ten appearances)*, who calls him a "cupcake" and "fruitbowl," which presumably is meant to show how hard-boiled she is but made me immediately dislike her when I first saw this, and now knowing that she'll become Jodie's girlfriend makes things even worse.  Jessica is captured by guerrillas (and the "gorilla" joke is repeated from last week) but seems unaware that the men dying around her aren't just pretending.  Dutch sobs some more.  All we're missing is Leslie bursting in and saying, "All right, this time I'm really gonna do it!", but I know she will in at least one more episode.  I can't blame Mary for wanting to sleep all day.  At least Bob is kind of funny.


*For some reason, Rhoades kept being cast as characters named Maggie.  She was Maggie Gallagher on Maude, Mr Dugan, and Hanging In, and would be Maggie Davis on the Klugman-Stamos series You Again?

Soap: Episode 73

Contain yourselves!

Soap: Episode 73
ABC
December 3, 1980
Dramedy
DVD
C+

Mary is upset when the blackmail pictures are published in the local newspaper (presumably with black bars), but mostly because Burt didn't tell her about the blackmail earlier.  (Note that she still hasn't told him her worries about their baby.)  Chester is upset about Dutch and Eunice's wedding (I'm not thrilled either), until he meets Eunice's bridesmaid, Annie Selig (Nancy Dolman in the first of eleven episodes).  Soon Annie has moved into the poolhouse with Chester, and Eunice is very upset.  Meanwhile Dr. Hill offscreen advises Jessica to take a relaxing vacation to the tiny island of Malaguay.

On the plane, Jessica meets Carlos Marcello David Escobar Rodriguez Valdez, AKA El Puerco, an anti-Communist revolutionary.  I'll talk more about this thread as it plays out, but I'll say here that my issue with it was never the performance of Gregory Sierra, whom I liked as Chano on Barney Miller.  (And he did a delightful cameo on the under-related early '90s Valerie Harper sitcom City.)  It was more what was done with the character and the impact on the show.  Here at the beginning, with him convincing Jessica to free him and then telling her she's now an accomplice, it's not yet shark-bait.

Macon McCalman plays the Minister, at a time he'd been Mr. Penrose on Three's Company but had not yet played Janet's father.  Jodie is absent.

Soap: Episode 72

I couldn't get a still for this episode, so
here's Arthur Peterson, possibly on
his Gilligan's Island appearance.

Soap: Episode 72
ABC
November 26, 1980
Dramedy
DVD
C+

Sheriff Burt tells Jodie that there's nothing he can do about Wendy, since it doesn't count as kidnapping if it's the parent and there's no ransom demand.  Mary receives Burt's blackmail pictures, which she shows to Jessica.  Dutch and Eunice announce that they're getting married next week.  Chester is upset, until Dutch saves them all by jumping on Leslie's grenade.  And Jessica tells Chester she's divorcing him and he can live in the pool house.  I want to add to my previous thoughts on the dumbing down of Danny that one difference between him and Chrissy Snow is that with her, the viewer waited to see how she'd react, while with Danny it just slows the scene down.  (And he's no Gilligan either.)

Chuck, Bob, and of course Corinne are absent.

Soap: Episode 71

Soap: Episode 71
ABC
November 19, 1980
Dramedy
DVD
C+

This Harris/Silver/Clair/ McMahon episode is a bit of an improvement.  There's still some unfunny stuff with Jessica's suitors, but at least she tells them that she doesn't want to marry any of them.  Her scene with Corinne saying goodbye before moving to California is pretty good.  (Canova was going on to her own series, I'm a Big Girl Now, which I watched, although I had not yet seen Soap.  I later also watched Canova's series Throb.)  Wendy being kidnapped adds some drama to the end of the episode, although logistically I'm not sure how this would work.  (When Elaine was kidnapped from the second floor, it was at least night time and some of the family were asleep.)

I want to talk about Danny in his own couple paragraphs because I feel like how his character is handled in the fourth season has a lot to do with how I feel about the season.  Other things will go wrong (El Puerco for instance), but this episode shows how Danny's decline as a character is linked to the decline in the show.  Danny was never a bright guy but, as with Chrissy on Three's Company, his intelligence was Flanderized, to the point that Burt now makes remarks about it, like Jack would on 3'sC.  Unfortunately, while Somers could take the dumb blonde stereotype to places it had never been before, Ted Wass isn't able to do anything similar for Danny.

So in this episode, Polly realizes she loves Danny but isn't in love with him.  It seems a bit late to come to this realization, considering they bought a house together, but OK, fine, she was in mourning for her late husband and she now recognizes that she rushed into things with Danny.  She not only refuses his offer of marriage, but she breaks up with him.  And he can't react to her, he can barely say goodbye.  Then later he is depressed, and there are jokes about him contemplating suicide, mixed in with jokes about his idiocy!  I didn't find the Danny & Polly relationship the romance of the century, but they were sweet together, and this resolution of it feels awkward and contrived.  (Plus I didn't like Danny's fourth season girlfriends, but that's a later discussion.)  Maybe there was nowhere else to go with the Polly thread, but, while the Elaine thread started as badly as possible (with rape), it managed a moving ending.  This resolution leaves us with less than nothing.

The Major, Billy, Eunice, Dutch, and Saunders are absent.