Roseanne: Arsenic and Old Mom

Roseanne: Arsenic and Old Mom

ABC

May 13, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
D-

Time has not made this episode any less painful.  In fact, knowing that Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds would die so close together makes this collaboration even more of a waste.  It ties for my least favorite episode of the series, with the spa episode. 

Dan's mother Audrey (played here by Reynolds) is released from "the hospital," supposedly all well, as long as she takes her meds.  She doesn't and decides to kill Dan for institutionalizing her, twenty years ago!  The script is by Fisher and I can't help wishing that a more realistic, funnier, and sweeter story could've been submitted instead.  Why drag Goodman back, when his performance shows how little he wants to be doing this story?  And there's even a gratuitous joke about D.J. lusting after Princess Leia, just so Grandma can hit him for it, which is even less funny considering who wrote the joke.  This episode is to be avoided by all but the masochistic and/or completist.  (So of course it gets high ratings on IMDB.)

Heather Matarazzo makes her last appearance as Heather.  Staff writer Lawrence Broch plays the Doctor.  This is a rare episode without Laurie Metcalf.

Roseanne: The Truth Be Told

Roseanne: The Truth Be Told
ABC
March 18, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
C+

This Broch & Winchell story is never anywhere near as sharply satirical as it thinks it is, but there are some pretty good moments.  Roseanne gets a chance to sell her life story to network TV-- ABX-- and to the Home Movie Channel (HMC).  Meanwhile, Bev and Leon tell embarrassing stories about the Conners to a reporter from the tabloids, and unless we think they're very drunk and/or stupid, we have to assume that they're passive-aggressively seeking to embarrass Roseanne.

Ruta Lee returns as Bev's girlfriend Joyce.  Bob Fuller makes his final Roseanne appearance as the Clothing Salesman, while this time Johnny Dark is Frank Andrews.  Goodman's voice is heard offscreen, presumably prerecorded.

Roseanne: Roseanne-Feld

More bad advice about girls from Mark

Roseanne: Roseanne-Feld
ABC
March 4, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
C+

This episode doesn't really go anywhere with its three main threads and, unlike the first season or two, this is not just slice-of-life stuff, albeit more plausible than much of this season.  In one thread, Mark and Jackie go to see wrestling and she's invited onstage to participate, while he wishes he could join in.  Meanwhile, D.J. and his still relatively new girlfriend Heather (Matarazzo again) finally kiss and then consider having sex, with condoms, but he decides he'd rather masturbate in his room (yes, of course offscreen) with his dad's old picture of Julie Newmar (pronounced with the accent on "Mar").  And Leon and Scott meet Bev's new girlfriend, Lanford chanteuse Joyce (sixty-one-year-old Ruta Lee, recognizable for, among many TV roles, Lisa on Mork & Mindy, and Mrs. Dawson and Marsha Whitewood on Three's Company), and the four of them have a great time hanging out.  Writers Whitley & Winchell apparently don't know, have forgotten, or don't care that both Leon and Bev were established as alcoholics (I think the previous season or two), and have them get drunk without their partners being concerned.  But the show tunes are nice.

Spice Williams, who was Mosquito Woman on Out of This World, is Cincinnati Patti here.

Roseanne: A Second Chance

Roseanne: A Second Chance
ABC
February 18, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
B

Cynthia Mort wrote this story where Dan and Roseanne reconcile and Darlene goes into early labor, at seven months.  Lots of drama again, with some humor, and the performances by Goodman, Barr, and Gilbert keep this from getting too soapy.  Note that David is in Chicago but it's not explained why.  Did he take the graphic artist job after all, despite his in-laws winning the lottery?

Darlene's Doctor is played by Dann Florek, who was Principal Hiller before, as well as Mr. Woodruff on Ellen; he'd be back in this role on the following episode and get the last name Rudmen.

Roseanne: The War Room

Roseanne: The War Room
ABC
January 28, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Not much happens in this Bob Nickman story, where Roseanne has been lying in bed eating junk food for four days, out of depression, and the family tries to pull her out of it.  This is the episode where she and Jackie turn the diner over to Leon and Nancy.  Heather (Matarazzo again) returns and meets Roseanne.  Note that Roseanne makes a reference to Ellen DeGeneres being "Lebanese."

Roseanne: Hit the Road Jack

Roseanne: Hit the Road Jack
ABC
January 14, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
B-

Barr wrote this downer episode where Roseanne C spends most of the episode driving around, listening to the radio, and eating junk food, as she avoids Dan before he flies back to California.  Fishman gets a rare chance to show his dramatic chops, when D.J. yells at Dan, and then later in the episode he meets a quirky girl, Heather (Danzaly named Heather Matarazzo in her first of four appearances in the role), who shares his love of film.

Roseanne: Say It Ain't So

Roseanne: Say It Ain't So
ABC
January 7, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
B

This Nancy Steen story is definitely more drama than comedy, with the comic subplot being D.J. wanting to film Darlene's birth but grossed out by the videotape of her (unseen) friend Janet's birth.  It's the day after Christmas and Jackie confronts Dan about the phone call she overheard.  It turns out he has feelings for his mother's nurse but they haven't (yet?) had sex.  Jackie says that if Dan doesn't tell Roseanne, she will. Dan eventually does and both he and Roseanne say this wouldn't have happened if not for the lottery money.  Jackie is the audience surrogate, sharing our anger and disappointment in Dan, although of course in retrospect we know that it didn't "really" happen like that.  Nonetheless, at this moment in time, in the middle of the final season, early in 1997, a near perfect husband and father has failed his family and us.

Note that Darlene is 25 weeks along, which means she would've conceived in early July, which doesn't exactly match up to her plans in the proposal episode to take summer classes, or to D.J. worrying about missing school for the Disney World trip.

Roseanne: Home for the Holidays

Roseanne: Home for the Holidays
ABC
December 17, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
B

Barr wrote the story that Lawrence Broch based the teleplay on, but this is no flight of absurd fancy.  Dan comes home and is warmly welcomed by his family and the studio audience.  However, something feels off, especially in his treatment of Roseanne.  Jackie overhears him talking to someone he misses, someone who looks after his mother.  She and we realize that Dan is having an affair.  The fallout would begin in the next episode.

Allan Stephan's last onscreen role is Santa Claus in the tag.  Note that the Christmas episode of four years before (with everyone snowed in at various locations) was called "It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays."

Roseanne: Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti

'90s Comedy Central viewers would get a kick out of the casting.

Roseanne: Hoi Polloi Meets Hoiti Toiti
ABC
November 12, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Leif Sandaas co-wrote (with someone with almost zero other credits) this not-bad-for-Season-Nine story where Astrid Wentworth (Mo Gaffney again) invites Roseanne and family to stay with the Wentworths at Martha's Vineyard.  The class contrast is a little weak, but stronger than anything we've seen so far this season, even if the ultimate message is that the rich (or at least this rich family anyway) are basically nice people who just need to loosen up.  (And that Roseanne Barr would end up supporting an uninhibited rich man for President is one of history's ironies.) 

Note that the teenage girl of the household thinks D.J. is a "bad boy" and tries to seduce him, but he's a scared virgin.  D.J. is now 15 and this won't be the last we'll hear of his "love life."  Also, since I had to omit Fishman from the overcrowded tags thrice in the past, this is actually his 200th episode.

Stella Butler, who previously was a sassy Jerry Springer Audience Member, here is sassy Nurse Stella.  This time Phil Leeds plays Grandmama Lily.  Iqbal Theba would reprise his role as Dr. Bakshi in the next episode and would be on Ellen the following year.  Stand-up comic Dana Gould, who's Chip here, would also soon appear on Ellen.  Cole Roberts is still baby Jerry, and the Hazen twins are still listed for Andy, but Andy's hair is darker now.

Roseanne: Pampered to a Pulp

Roseanne: Pampered to a Pulp
ABC
October 22, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
D-

The shark ate well that night.  Roseanne and Jackie go to a spa and not only are there zero laughs but it's unpleasant to watch the two sisters get various treatments.  Even more than with Ellen and Paige on the "spa" episode of Ellen, I don't see why they can't just leave.  They're physically tormented and verbally abused.  At one point, a strict German woman makes what I swear is a Nazi joke that the laugh track doesn't get.  (She tells them it's time to go to the showers.)  I seriously considered an F+, but, while not exactly entertaining, it was sort of nice to see two Zappa children: Moon Unit and Ahmet (who had previously played Mark's friend Royal).  Dan and the kids are all absent here, which also does not bode well.

Yoga Instructor Jonathan Emerson was a Lucky Customer on Ellen a couple years earlier.  Ken Kells has his third Roseanne role, as Ken.  Colleen Camp's final Roseanne role is as Jill.  And Kathleen Freeman, who has a ton of credits going back to the dawn of television, here plays a Seaweed Attendant (possibly the German) and would soon return as Edna.  Sadly, this is Laurie Metcalf's 200th episode.

Roseanne: Someday My Prince Will Come

Roseanne: Someday My Prince Will Come
ABC
October 15, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
C-

Janet Leahy and Carrie Snow's last Roseanne story is one that is ostensibly set in the real world, as opposed to the ones that are "daydreams."  But it's about Jackie being swept off her feet by Prince Carlos of Moldavia (Jim Varney, deliberately cast against type).  There's no conflict here, and not much humor.  Also, I'm supposed to believe that Roseanne would include Leon on a trip to Manhattan?  Varney would return only once more and I can't remember why Carlos and Jackie didn't stay together.  This plot thread would soon be overshadowed by much greater departures from realism.

Roseanne: Honor Thy Mother

Roseanne: Honor Thy Mother
ABC
October 8, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
B-

In this story that Bob Nickman co-wrote with someone who didn't work on any other of my shows, we don't find out what the title means until far into the episode.  Dan is a funk, wondering about the meaning of life since the family became rich.  He realizes he wants to help his mom by taking her to a good psychiatric hospital in Santa Monica.  Meanwhile, Roseanne and Jackie plan a trip to a spa, which would become a plot in a couple episodes, but first we'll see an episode that builds on the tag, which includes the back of a head and voice of a character that (uncredited here, to keep it mysterious) would be played by Jim "Ernest" Varney.

Staff writer Allan Stephan here plays Allan.  This is James Pickens, Jr.'s last appearance as Chuck and I'm glad he's given something meaty to work with for a change, in the scene where he tries to talk to Dan.  Note that this is at least Leon's third time playing poker with Dan.  And sweet David's complaint about Darlene is that she won't let him spoil her.

Roseanne: What a Day for a Daydream

Roseanne: What a Day for a Daydream
ABC
October 1, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
C

This Kaplan & Testa story is a good example of the schizophrenia of this series, especially in its later years.  Richard Kaplan wrote the best episode of Season Eight, where Darlene announces her pregnancy, while Garland Testa wrote "Springtime for David," one of the odd fantasy episodes of that season.  And here some pretty good scenes of the family sitting around the dinner table (apparently eating more veggies than they used to) are interspersed with Roseanne's pointless daydreams about Jerry Springer, Playboy, and the Miss Universe pageant.  I'm not entirely against fantasy sequences of course, but I don't believe that they always work on this show.

Master of Ceremonies Johnny Dark, who was Danny on the "daydream" episode of Just the Ten of Us, would return as Frank Andrews.  Audience Member Tory Christopher was Cousin Conner on the previous episode, while Audience Member Stella Butler would be Nurse Stella on an episode later that year.  And, yes, it was weird today watching the now recently deceased Hugh Hefner on a show from over twenty years ago, when he was already an elderly icon.

This was Roseanne's 200th episode, and thus John Goodman's 200th appearance on this blog.  That (not because of my blog) is why the cake is rolled in when Michael Fishman wants to do an Emmy-worthy scene as Moses.

Roseanne: Millions from Heaven

With Robin Leach

Roseanne: Millions from Heaven
ABC
September 24, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
B

Nancy Steen's first of two Roseanne stories, and Cynthia Mort's penultimate of six, picks up where the last episode left off.  Jackie comes over, with the babies, and tells Roseanne about winning the lottery.  She and then Dan react.  At least at this point, the shark isn't dining.  This is a funny episode, if bittersweet in retrospect about the Conners' intentions to not let money change them.  Had this been any other sitcom we've looked at, it would turn out they didn't win the lottery and life would go back to normal.  (As happened, for instance, on Gilligan's Island.)  Note that Darlene is more emotional due to pregnancy hormones.

Tory Christopher, who's a Conner cousin here, would be an Audience Member later in the year.  This is the last we'll see of Adilah Barnes as Anne-Marie; I wish they'd found more to do with her character, especially in recent seasons.  I'm less concerned about the loss of John McConnell as Bob, although he did what he could with the role.  I'm omitting Cole Roberts and the Hazen twins from the overcrowded tags.

Roseanne: Call Waiting

Roseanne: Call Waiting
ABC
September 17, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
B

"What doesn't kill us is making us stronger...."  As Season Nine opens in this Ogier & Stephan story, five days have passed and Roseanne, who's staying at Jackie's, refuses to speak to Dan.  Darlene and David (who've been married eight days), and then Mark and D.J., come over to try to reconcile her with Dan.  But it takes imagining herself into Nick at Nite shows to make her realize that her relationship with Dan is better than most.  (The parodies/tributes are surprisingly good, especially the costumes.)  She goes home and she and Dan make up.  In a tag which would change the series even more, Jackie watches the lottery and realizes that she and Roseanne have picked the winning numbers.  Certainly a more upbeat cliffhanger than the last one.  Note that Asner appears briefly when Lou Grant reenters the room and says he hasn't been himself lately.  Marlo Thomas and Ted Bessell appear very briefly in a clip, but I don't have the room to tag them.

Roseanne: Fights & Stuff

Roseanne: Fights & Stuff
ABC
May 21, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
B

This Eric Gilliland story is a sad way to end a tumultuous season, but it is for the most part well-written, and well-acted by Barr and Goodman.  Dan comes home from the hospital and tries to follow a healthier diet, with Roseanne's support, but he's soon cheating.  (Crystal is referred to as having called about seeing him eat junk food in public, but I'm not sure if this is the very last mention of her.)  Roseanne and Dan get into a huge argument, one with long-standing grievances, all established on previous episodes.  (Roseanne's line about Dan having fixed dinner only eleven years ago is a deliberate echo of the pilot episode, "Life & Stuff," where he'd fixed it only three years earlier.)  The tag shows the house that they've trashed.

I do wonder if at this point plans for Season Nine had been formed, or if this devastation, surpassed in TV comedy only by the likes of Blackadder, was how the series itself was supposed to end.  Whether I'd prefer it to the ending of Season Nine is something I can't yet say, but the ninth season would certainly be even more of a roller-coaster ride.

As for the eighth season, it ranges from D to B+ and averages out to a B-, the grade that ten of the episodes earn.  That's perfectly respectable, but this show used to do be more than pretty good.  Whether I'll find Season Nine as bad as its reputation, or as bad as I recall, will be interesting to see.

And this is Roseanne Barr's 200th appearance on one my shows, thanks to Siskel & Ebert and Saturday Night Live.  Her eponymous series would soon catch up, as would some of the cast.

Roseanne: Another Mouth to Shut Up

Roseanne: Another Mouth to Shut Up
ABC
March 26, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
B+

This Eric Gilliland story, with a teleplay by Janet Leahy and Rich Kaplan, who would each work on one more episode, shows that the show still had it, when it focused on the core characters and the humor that comes from real life.  (I really doubt the studio audience reactions are sweetened.  They sound genuine this time.)  Darlene has found David a great job in Chicago and they talk about living together, and then she suggests they get married.  He's not sure if she's joking, but she's serious, and pregnant.  Then it's time for the family (minus Mark and Becky) to react, which they do characteristically.

I appreciate that everyone's viewpoint is addressed, including Dan's disappointment that Darlene has done something stupid, when he thought she would be the successful Conner.  Although the word "abortion" isn't used, it's implied as an option, as it was in the episode where Jackie announced her pregnancy, but Darlene, to her own surprise as much as anyone's, is happy about having a baby.  David is stunned and worried, while Roseanne tries to be supportive.  This episode makes me happy that they could still bring it, but also sad that so much potential was pissed away this season in exchange for nonsensical plots and heavy-handed statements.  Note that Darlene thinks the conception happened the night of the fireworks at Disney World.

Roseanne: Springtime for David

Roseanne: Springtime for David
ABC
March 12, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Garland Testa's first of two Roseanne stories and David Forbes's last of four isn't bad for one of the less realistic episodes, and there are some funny moments in the Disney parody.  (This begins one week after the Disney World trip and then covers two weeks.)  However, I don't think it works entirely on its own terms.  I find it hard to believe that Darlene's mockery wouldn't make David give up on Edelweiss Gardens, but we're never shown or even told what her reaction is.  Also, I'd like to be given a sense that David's mindless conformity is making him unhappy.  To compare this to the ABC sitcoms of roughly twenty years earlier, we got to see Rerun, Horshack, Billy Tate, and Chrissy Snow disillusioned with their cults, but David is so passive that Roseanne deprogramming him just feels like another form of control.  Even Audrey's recent reclamation from Rapture by Ellen had more meaning.

Roseanne: Roseanne in the Hood

Roseanne: Roseanne in the Hood
ABC
October 17, 1995
Sitcom
DVD
C+

This episode starts out well, with Roseanne mocking David's "Chia beard" and facing competition from the new restaurant across the street, whose grand opening features "Schneider" (as Harrington is referred to throughout).  But then the teleplay by Mike Costa (his first of two) and Drew Ogier (his first of four), based on a story by Allan Stephan, and Roseanne herself go off the rails.  Not on a Season-Nine level but shark-teasing, as Roseanne and Jackie break into their rival's place and approximately sixteenth-month-pregnant Roseanne gets stuck in the vent above the oven (I guess the "hood" of the title).  Then Stomp shows up and does a dance number in the tag.

Roseanne: Couch Potatoes

Roseanne: Couch Potatoes
ABC
May 17, 1995
Sitcom
DVD
C+

This Eric Gilliland story is odd, especially when the tag seems to offer a lesson that the rest of the episode, and indeed future episodes, ignore.  Roseanne is two months away from giving birth and has entered a "nesting phase," which means she wants to upgrade furniture and the family's viewing habits, especially after they become a Nielsen family.  The Flanderization of not just Mark but most of the family as unfunny idiots is creeping in here, until that final scene, where Dan and Roseanne have a conversation much like they used to, realistic and sweet and funny.

Roseanne watches a Beverly Hillbillies marathon (and, no, Buddy Ebsen would not have been 105; he would've been 87) and realizes that they will always be "white trash" and they shouldn't try to pretend to be anything else.  When she and Dan talk about what the Clampetts do with their money, it casts an odd light on Season Nine, since the Conners, Roseanne especially, will not exactly stay down-to-earth.  The thing is, if Gilliland were really taking the "to thine own self be true" message to heart, he wouldn't have waited till this last scene to make characters be in character, unless the irony is intentional. Meanwhile, Fred and Jackie, after a mostly silent dinner, agree that it's really over between them.