Roseanne: Arsenic and Old Mom

Roseanne: Arsenic and Old Mom

ABC

May 13, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
D-

Time has not made this episode any less painful.  In fact, knowing that Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds would die so close together makes this collaboration even more of a waste.  It ties for my least favorite episode of the series, with the spa episode. 

Dan's mother Audrey (played here by Reynolds) is released from "the hospital," supposedly all well, as long as she takes her meds.  She doesn't and decides to kill Dan for institutionalizing her, twenty years ago!  The script is by Fisher and I can't help wishing that a more realistic, funnier, and sweeter story could've been submitted instead.  Why drag Goodman back, when his performance shows how little he wants to be doing this story?  And there's even a gratuitous joke about D.J. lusting after Princess Leia, just so Grandma can hit him for it, which is even less funny considering who wrote the joke.  This episode is to be avoided by all but the masochistic and/or completist.  (So of course it gets high ratings on IMDB.)

Heather Matarazzo makes her last appearance as Heather.  Staff writer Lawrence Broch plays the Doctor.  This is a rare episode without Laurie Metcalf.

Roseanne: Pampered to a Pulp

Roseanne: Pampered to a Pulp
ABC
October 22, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
D-

The shark ate well that night.  Roseanne and Jackie go to a spa and not only are there zero laughs but it's unpleasant to watch the two sisters get various treatments.  Even more than with Ellen and Paige on the "spa" episode of Ellen, I don't see why they can't just leave.  They're physically tormented and verbally abused.  At one point, a strict German woman makes what I swear is a Nazi joke that the laugh track doesn't get.  (She tells them it's time to go to the showers.)  I seriously considered an F+, but, while not exactly entertaining, it was sort of nice to see two Zappa children: Moon Unit and Ahmet (who had previously played Mark's friend Royal).  Dan and the kids are all absent here, which also does not bode well.

Yoga Instructor Jonathan Emerson was a Lucky Customer on Ellen a couple years earlier.  Ken Kells has his third Roseanne role, as Ken.  Colleen Camp's final Roseanne role is as Jill.  And Kathleen Freeman, who has a ton of credits going back to the dawn of television, here plays a Seaweed Attendant (possibly the German) and would soon return as Edna.  Sadly, this is Laurie Metcalf's 200th episode.

M*A*S*H: Pilot

M*A*S*H: Pilot
CBS
September 17, 1972
Dramedy
DVD
D-

And then there are pilots like this.  Yes, I realize that much of the humor and attitude are carryovers from the 1970 movie (and perhaps from the books, which I haven't read), but what may be acceptable as dark humor on the big screen does not work on the little screen, especially with a laugh track.  There is no question that we're looking at a pre-feminist Alan Alda, when he makes a remark about "Hot Lips' B-cups," or when he "raffles off a nurse," Lt. Maria "Dish" Schneider (Karen Philipp).  We're supposed to sympathize with him and Trapper (Wayne Rogers), even when the latter jokes about "selling Spearchucker."  It's for a good cause, sending young Korean Ho-Jon (Patrick Adiarte) to Hawkeye's alma mater.  Why they couldn't send him to school in, say, Tokyo, is unclear.  It's a bad sign when I was sort of rooting for Hot Lips, AKA Major Margaret Houlihan (Loretta Swit), and Major Frank Burns (Larry Linville).  When Brig. Gen. Charlie Hammond (G. Wood reprising from the movie) showed up, I was relieved.  Only Radar (Gary Burghoff reprising from the movie) emerges from this unfunny, sexist, racist mess intact.

"We're sending you to Tokyo with a nurse and
replacing you with William Christopher."

Would you believe this used to be one of my favorite shows?  Well, remember, I was four when it went on the air, and therefore fifteen when it ended, so, although I saw the early episodes in syndication, I actually preferred the later, supposedly shark-jumping, "sanctimonious" era.  I got this complete DVD collection as a gift, and I'm very curious to see how the show looks to me now, considering I haven't seen some episodes in over twenty years.  I do know that one of my favorite episodes, "Tuttle," is from the first season, so I'll try to be patient.  But it's going to be a very long three-year war.  And, no, I don't know why there's no asterisk at the end of the title.

Making their first appearances (on the show, not counting the movie) as minor characters are Timothy Brown as Capt. Oliver Harmon "Spearchucker" Jones, Odessa Cleveland as Lt. Ginger Bayliss, John Orchard as Capt. "Ugly John" Black, and Linda Meikeljohn as Lt. Leslie Scorch.  (No, some of the nurses are not subtly named.)