Roseanne: The War Room

Roseanne: The War Room
ABC
January 28, 1997
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Not much happens in this Bob Nickman story, where Roseanne has been lying in bed eating junk food for four days, out of depression, and the family tries to pull her out of it.  This is the episode where she and Jackie turn the diner over to Leon and Nancy.  Heather (Matarazzo again) returns and meets Roseanne.  Note that Roseanne makes a reference to Ellen DeGeneres being "Lebanese."

Roseanne: Satan, Darling

Roseanne: Satan, Darling
ABC
October 29, 1996
Sitcom
DVD
C-

Well, it's better than the spa episode, but still pretty random.  Let me just list the guest stars and then we can try to sort out the "plot":

• Mo Gaffney as Astrid Wentworth;
• Arianna Huffington as Estree Longet
• Joanna Lumley and Jennifer Saunders as their Absolutely Fabulous characters Edina Monsoon and Patsy Stone;
• and Marlo Thomas as Tina Beige, "that witch" in the nightmare portion;

So, Roseanne Barr co-wrote this story with Erin Quigley, the series costume designer, which sort of explains some of the costumes, and then co-wrote the teleplay with Saunders.  And she directed it.  It's actually a surprise it's not worse than it is.

Roseanne [Conner] and Jackie go to a high society party with Nancy, who soon ditches them and disappears from the episode.  They mingle and are clearly going to be exploited for their newfound wealth.  In the spa episode, Roseanne just took the abuse instead of standing up to it, while here she has a drunken dream that takes the form of Rosemary's Baby, with eight-weeks-pregnant Darlene heavy with Satan's child.  The spa visit and Jackie's relationship with the prince are referenced, and Astrid invites the two sisters to visit her at her home, setting up another episode.  The series has clearly slipped its moorings by this point, but you can't exactly call it dull.  And, yes, I guess this counts as this season's Halloween episode.

Ernest Harada, who was Mr. Jan (from the school board as I recall) thrice on Welcome Back, Kotter, has a nameless role here.  Kathleen Freeman, who was a Seaweed Attendant in the previous episode, is Edna here.  Party Guest Scott McKinley would soon play a Photographer.  Phil Leeds's middle of three Roseanne roles is as a waiter.  And a grayed-up 41-year-old Jim J. Bullock (from Too Close to Comfort) is Al.

This is the 1600th sitcom episode I've reviewed.  Yes, we'll get to 1700.

Politically Incorrect: Sandra Bernhard et al.

Politically Incorrect: Sandra Bernhard et al.

The set was kind of weird
if you think about it.

Comedy Central

Early 1995

Talk Show

VHS
B-

The subject is "class" (as in taste, not economics) but it quickly devolves into a sometimes classless discussion of religion, when writer John Lofton tries to hijack the show.  At first Bernhard tries to be poised and dryly humorous, but by the end she yells at and spits on Lofton.  This is the sort of thing that made Maher's show memorable.  It does look a bit staged, or at least manipulated, in that they must've known what Lofton was like, but that's not to say that it's not entertaining.  Note that, although it's not directly mentioned, actor Christopher Lawford is the son of Peter and Patricia (JFK's sister).

Roseanne: December Bride

Roseanne: December Bride
ABC
December 12, 1995
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Roseanne throws a very tacky wedding for Leon and his never-heard-of-before boyfriend Scott (played by Mull's Fernwood co-star Fred Willard).  I guess I should be glad that the episode isn't as soap-boxy as some this season, but the humor does feel somewhat forced.  Contrast this one with the Christmas episode of two years before, where there was a reason for Dan and Roseanne to offend the neighborhood association with their tacky decorations, while here she's annoying one of the grooms and just comes across as spiteful and tactless.

Staff writer Allan Stephan has an uncredited role here.  June Lockhart, who a few months ago was one of the TV Moms on the clip show, here plays Leon's mother.  Mariel Hemingway makes a quick uncredited cameo, playing off of her previous appearance.  Milton Berle allegedly makes an uncredited appearance as a Transvestite at the Wedding, but I didn't see him.  (He's possibly in the tag, which is omitted on the DVD.)

Roseanne: Roseanne in the Hood

Roseanne: Roseanne in the Hood
ABC
October 17, 1995
Sitcom
DVD
C+

This episode starts out well, with Roseanne mocking David's "Chia beard" and facing competition from the new restaurant across the street, whose grand opening features "Schneider" (as Harrington is referred to throughout).  But then the teleplay by Mike Costa (his first of two) and Drew Ogier (his first of four), based on a story by Allan Stephan, and Roseanne herself go off the rails.  Not on a Season-Nine level but shark-teasing, as Roseanne and Jackie break into their rival's place and approximately sixteenth-month-pregnant Roseanne gets stuck in the vent above the oven (I guess the "hood" of the title).  Then Stomp shows up and does a dance number in the tag.

Roseanne: Skeleton in the Closet

Prince and Hillary

Roseanne: Skeleton in the Closet
ABC
October 1994
Sitcom
DVD
B-

William Lucas Walker & Lawrence Broch's teleplay, based on a story by Lois Bromfield, has Roseanne again pranked, this time twice, about Fred being gay and about Bev being bald.  And poor David is tricked into explaining what "gay" means to D.J.

Ken Kells's middle Roseanne role is unidentified.  Future Roseanne writer Bob Nickman's second acting role on the show is as Antonio.

Roseanne: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

Roseanne: Don't Ask, Don't Tell
ABC
March 1, 1994
Sitcom
DVD
B

Berg & Zimmerman wrote the teleplay based on Michael Borkow's story and it's worth remembering that this was at the time controversial and ground-breaking, simply because a lesbian kissed Roseanne, not with mouths visible to the audience and not reciprocally.  Watching it now, I think an off-the-cuff line (by Nancy) about a male "accountant with pierced nipples" is more shocking, as is Mark's line about Becky wanting to "ride" her ex, but it was the kiss that made this infamous.

Nancy has been dating her new girlfriend, a stripper named Sharon (Mariel Hemingway, who would return once more) for three months but has hesitated to introduce Roseanne and Jackie to her, very different from when she went out with Marla.  Roseanne (in a line I'm sure Barr loved delivering) points out that Nancy's girlfriends tend to be gorgeous blondes, while the boyfriends look like Arnie.  The four women go dancing at a gay bar, although Jackie, now in her ninth month of pregnancy is very uncomfortable.  Sharon gives Roseanne a friendly kiss, which Roseanne isn't sure how to deal with, partly because it makes her realize she's not as cool as she thinks she is.

As for Becky's ex, Dean Bates (David Allan Donah) returns and David tries to make Mark jealous for Becky's sake, but then it turns out that Dean is giving Darlene a lift back to Chicago.  Nothing more happens with this plot, not even a line pay-off in the tag or something.  My guess is that this episode went through many drafts, especially when there were ABC censors to placate and then defy, and some things got lost in the shuffle.  Still it's an interesting dynamic watching the two Healy-Conner couples together.

Lois Bromfield, who plays the Blonde Who Cruises Jackie, wrote five earlier episodes and played a different character.  Beautiful stand-up comic Laura Kightlinger has a nice little role as the Bartender but I don't have room for her in the tags.  This is the 600th B I've given to one of my shows.

Roseanne: David vs. Goliath

Roseanne: David vs. Goliath
ABC
February 1, 1994
Sitcom
DVD
B

Roseanne exploits the situation of knowing that D & D were shacking up in Chicago by making David do lots of housework.  He isn't comfortable lying to Dan, who considers him an "almost son."  He tells the truth (omitting that Roseanne and D.J. knew) and Dan kicks him out.  Roseanne pressures Jackie into letting David move in until she can guilt Dan into letting David move back, but instead Dan is guilted into hiring Mark at the garage that Dan manages for the city, the one where Fred works for him.  Meanwhile, Jackie refuses to take money from Fred to help with her baby, so he storms out.  She feels guilty about upsetting him and she figuratively cries on David's shoulder.  He thinks she's hitting on him, which amuses her a lot.  The tag is a well-done Graduate parody, costumes and movie dialogue and all.

Roseanne: Suck Up or Shut Up

Roseanne: Suck Up or Shut Up
ABC
January 4, 1994
Sitcom
DVD
B-

This episode, with its teleplay by Borns & Gandolfi, based on a story by someone who didn't work on any other of my shows, is mainly notable for its celebrity cameos.  Florence Henderson plays a local businesswoman (also named Florence) that Roseanne sucks up to for the restaurant, although it becomes a challenge when D.J. quotes Roseanne's mockery of the woman's weird son.  (Henderson was then 59 but didn't look it, so I guess it's just plausible she could be the mother of a preteen.)  And in the tag, Anthony Geary and Genie Francis appear as Luke & Laura, and the Becky switch is lampshaded.  The other plot thread has Mark getting fed up with school but Becky, on Roseanne's advice, pushes him until he leaves her.  It seems like such a waste that Mark was sent to school, while straight-A Becky is working at Bunz.

Selma Archerd, who had acted with Henderson before, on the "goat" episode of The Brady Bunch and in A Very Brady Christmas, here has her first of two Roseanne roles, as Lucille.  Note that Chuck is currently the Lobo bartender, and again I have to omit Pickens from the overcrowded tags.

Roseanne: The Driver's Seat

From the Cops parody in the tag

Roseanne: The Driver's Seat
ABC
November 30, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
B

James Berg & Stan Zimmerman's first of two Roseanne stories has Roseanne worrying about losing control, of the restaurant as Leon stages a "bloodless coup" and of her own temper, as she repeatedly hits D.J. after he steals and wrecks the family car.  Barr's acting is particularly good here and I almost went with a B+ but I felt like the "idiot customer" sequence didn't really work.

Male Customer Alex Cole previously played a Prisoner.  Cop #1, Joe Minjares, was a Roseanne Cop before, while Cop #2, Ben Thomas, would return as Second Cop.

Roseanne: Halloween V

Roseanne: Halloween V
ABC
October 26, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
B-

This Borns & Trogdon story is one of the better Halloween episodes, since it's mostly about Roseanne getting pranked by David, with almost everyone joining in.  This time the gross-out moment is Dan's actual nosebleed, which Nancy thinks is a prank just for her.

Obnoxious Vampire Kid Jason Davis would return as two other characters, and Rob Elk, who plays Joel, would be back as a nameless Customer, while Joe Keyes's third and last Roseanne role is as Sam.

Roseanne: Be My Baby

Roseanne: Be My Baby
ABC
October 19, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
B

Rob Ulin wrote this story that has Dan and Roseanne getting irritable with each other after three months of trying to conceive, only to find out that Jackie is pregnant from her one-night stand with Fred.  I wish more time had been spent on Fred & Jackie, but this remains a Roseanne-centered show.  In any case, there are some funny moments, including Bev's reaction and Fred's (his offscreen).  Note that Roseanne is now 41.

Roseanne: The Mommy's Curse

Roseanne: The Mommy's Curse
ABC
September 21, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
B

This episode by Eric Gilliland introduces Fred, played by Michael O'Keefe, who was two different characters on M*A*S*H back in the '70s, although he was only 38 at this point.  He'd be in 34 more Roseanne episodes, although I can't tell if Fred ever got a last name.  Fred is introduced as Dan's friend and employee, whom Jackie has a crush on.  Roseanne pressures Jackie to ask Fred out, since she hasn't dated in the last six months.  Jackie reluctantly goes through with it and ends up having a one-night stand because she's not ready for a relationship.  Fred wants more and I, then 25 and dealing with a separation that would soon become a divorce, definitely wanted more of this cute, sweet, funny character.  (He was probably my strongest crush of the time, even more than some of the Whose Line Is It Anyway? men.)

The episode is mostly about Roseanne trying to get Bev to be a silent partner and then feeling guilty about it, till Bev sells her share of the restaurant to Leon.  So two threads are set up that will impact the next two or three seasons.  Note that this episode is not only lacking Darlene, understandably, but D.J. doesn't even make a brief token appearance like last time.  This is the 300th of my 1990s shows.

Roseanne: Tooth Or Consequences

Roseanne: Tooth Or Consequences
ABC
May 11, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
B

The title comes from Dan accidentally hitting Roseanne in the face with the freezer door and knocking out her tooth.  Meanwhile, Leon appears, as a health inspector, luckily not his last return.  And, after successfully having sex, David and Darlene open their letters from art schools in New York and Chicago.  Seemingly both schools reject them but we later find out that Darlene got accepted in Chicago.  With Jackie's help, she needs to tell Roseanne, but it's even harder telling David.  The episode ends with Dan getting a well-paid if kind of boring job as supervisor, and D & D left in the air.

Seventy-seven-year-old Phil Leeds, who has TV credits dating back to the '50s, was Lyle Wormold on Three's Company and has his first of three Roseanne roles, as Leon's surprise boyfriend Jeffrey.

Roseanne: Glengarry, Glen Rosey

Roseanne: Glengarry, Glen Rosey
ABC
May 4, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
B

A Dukane & Moss story was turned into a teleplay by Lois Bromfield (her first of five, although she had acted on the show earlier) and Scott Burton (who has no other credits).  Roger continues to exercise his charm, but we learn about his sleaziness when he, in order, hits on Jackie, insults Dan when Dan has doubts about the house-renovation business, borrows money from Nancy (who hopes to have him get her pregnant), and skips town.  Jackie comes to the rescue at least as far as Dan's investment is concerned, by buying the little house that Dan and Chuck worked on.

Director Philip Charles MacKenzie would do twenty-one more Roseanne episodes, but we had seen him as an actor on Three's Company in 1980 and Bosom Buddies in '81.  House Buyer Christopher Darga would be an Officer on Ellen.  And, yes, that's Chris Farley in an uncredited role as the Man in Clothing Store.

Roseanne: Promises, Promises

Roseanne: Promises, Promises
ABC
April 6, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
A-

Mike Gandolfi wrote this hilarious yet poignant episode.  It starts with another poker game in the kitchen, this time with two new players: David, and Chuck's friend Roger (Tim Curry in his first of two cameos).  Nancy comes in and Roger flirts outrageously with her, which she enjoys.  Chuck drops hints when Nancy's out of the room that she's a lesbian, but Dan doesn't want to discuss it in front of "the kid," till David announces it himself.  Nonetheless, Nancy does go out with Roger, whom Roseanne had hoped to fix up with her sister.  Jackie is understandably nervous about dating again, although she does show up in that red zippered dress.  In another of my all-time favorite lines, she says, "Now I'm losing men to lesbians!'  Nancy explains her bisexuality as her being "a people person."

Meanwhile, Prom Night is coming up and Roseanne makes Darlene prom-ise to go.  But Darlene has an ulterior motive, booking a motel room so she and David can lose their virginities together.  He's so nervous that he's impotent.  She's surprisingly sympathetic (and not just for her), but it doesn't help.  In the tag, they're back in the motel room, now darkened, and we hear them declare them love.  She asks if they're going to have sex now and, after a pause, he says, "I think I just did."

Doug Fieger makes his third and last appearance as Nick.  Danielle Harris is listed on IMDB, but I didn't notice Molly, although Mara Hobel has a couple scenes as Charlotte.

Roseanne: First Cousin, Twice Removed

Roseanne: First Cousin, Twice Removed
ABC
February 16, 1993
Sitcom
DVD
C+

Janice Jordan wrote this story, which is one of the weaker episodes of a very strong season.  According to IMDB, Joan Collins found the script unfunny, but I think she shares some of the blame, because the way she plays Ronnie, Roseanne's favorite cousin, feels off.  Yes, some of the problem is that there are references to Dynasty that are too cutesy, but it's also that Collins is portraying a character who's pushing 50, at a time when Joan was almost 60.  One moment, we're supposed to be charmed by Ronnie as much as the Conners, and Nancy, are and then we're meant to see her as a manipulative bitch.  For once, the tonal shifts don't work.  The main thing I liked here was the tag, where Darlene and David get caught by a cop as they fill out college applications, "My mom won't let us do it at home."  Note that it's implied that Roseanne was using condoms by the age of 14, even though elsewhere it seems that she lost her virginity at 16 or 18.

This time, Ahmad Stoner plays Jordan.  Sid Youngers, who plays a member of the Set Crew, would have another Roseanne role a couple years later; in real life, he would soon be a co-producer.

Roseanne: It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays

Roseanne: It's No Place Like Home for the Holidays
ABC
December 15, 1992
Sitcom
DVD
B

Eric Gilliland wrote this Christmas story with an ironic title.  A snowstorm hits and so people are separated for the holiday:

• Mark and Becky are unseen in Wisconsin;
• Dan and DJ are at home with Nancy and Marla, and Dan is uncomfortable about their mistletoe time (unseen, we're not up to the "lesbian kiss" days of '90s TV that Roseanne among others would be part of) and plans for a baby, with a great visual gag about a turkey baster;
• Roseanne, Jackie, Bev, and Nana Mary are at the Lunch Box;
• and Darlene is over at David's as he babysits his little sisters.

(This is the only episode where we see Lisa and Nicki and I recall them as being retconned out.)  D & D have another fight about her not being ready for sex, but she chooses staying overnight at his place "rather than death."  Then his mother, Barbara (played by Sally Kirkland, who was a nude model on Three's Company fifteen years earlier), comes home and slaps him for suspecting she's lying and cheating on his (unseen) father.  She also calls Darlene "Conner trash" and "a slut like her sister."  David apologizes and Darlene says she didn't mind "slut" but "like her sister" hurt.  And she gives him a sweet, long hug.  When she gets home, she gives Roseanne a kiss on the cheek, probably for being better than David's mother.

Roseanne: Of Ice and Men

Roseanne: Of Ice and Men
ABC
December 1, 1992
Sitcom
DVD
B-

DJ goes out for the peewee hockey team, and 37-year-old Jackie breaks up with 25-year-old Fisher because of the age difference.  This is at least the second episode where Roseanne hits Dan with a frying pan.  Note that there's snow on the ground, including an exterior shot of the Lunch Box.  This is the first of two Roseanne scripts from Robert Borden and Norm MacDonald, yes, that Norm MacDonald.

Roseanne: Stand on Your Man

Roseanne: Stand on Your Man
ABC
November 17, 1992
Sitcom
DVD
B

In this Moss & Dukane story, Arnie returns and wants Nancy back, leading to perhaps my favorite exchanges on the series, as Roseanne explains that things have changed since he's been out of town.
ROSEANNE: Like Nancy's a lesbian and we got a new LensCrafters.
DAN: Whoa, whoa, whoa!  Come again?
ROSEANNE: Yes, Dan, glasses in less than an hour!

For most of the episode, it seems that Arnie mainly wants Nancy back because of the wound to his male pride, but then it turns out the aliens (Clinton Allmon and Jeff Heston again) wanted him to lure Nancy back as breeding stock.  Meanwhile, the Lanford Lunch Box opens for business but a creepy customer threatens Roseanne.  Dan feels protective of course, but she, Nancy, and Jackie take a self-defense class.  In another fourth-wall-breaking tag, "Michael" appears on the aliens' spaceship, and "Tom" asks if Michael has heard good things about his new show, i.e. The Jackie Thomas Show, which would debut on December 1st.

Aliens Clinton Allmon and Jeff Heston return.  Wings Hauser appears again as Ty Tilden.  Doug Fieger makes his first of three appearances as Nick, I'm guessing the new poker buddy.  First Customer Joe Keyes would be back a couple times.