M*A*S*H: House Arrest

M*A*S*H: House Arrest
CBS
February 4, 1975
Dramedy
DVD
F+

This Fritzell & Greenbaum story is easily the worst program I've watched so far.  It starts with Hawkeye sending Margaret out of the OR when she keeps making mistakes.  He's a little harsh with her, but he has a point, since patients' lives are at stake, and she's too nervous about the impending visit of Col. Reese to do well.  But then when they're all washing up after surgery, they argue and he makes some very sexist and sexually harassing remarks to her.  She insists on Frank defending her honor, which is treated as a joke by Hawkeye and Trapper.  Frank hesitates and then snaps a towel at Hawkeye, which is immature but harmless.  Then Hawkeye seems like he'll retaliate but instead he punches Frank in the eye!  Yes, I understand that Frank gets on Hawkeye's nerves, but Frank has done far worse than this (like trying to punish the gay soldier and the one with the self-inflicted wound), and Hawkeye has restrained himself.  With Margaret egging him on, Frank threatens Hawkeye with court martial.

Henry wants Hawkeye to apologize and for it to end there, but Frank insists that Hawkeye be placed under house arrest.  Hawkeye is delighted with the idea that he doesn't have to go anywhere outside the Swamp.  When the cook sends him a steak and Father Mulcahy (really disappointing me) brings Hawkeye a frigging POW care package (!), it's clear that everyone is treating Hawkeye like a hero for punching Frank, again with little provocation.  They even show the night's movie in the Swamp, with hot dogs and popcorn.  Note that Nurse Baker (Bobbie Mitchell) is annoyed by Hawkeye groping her during the movie (there's an earlier line about groping at the movies) but when it turns out to be Col. Blake, she is equally annoyed.  She does not change her seat or report them to anyone, because who could she complain to?

Meanwhile, since Trapper was a witness, he tells Henry that Frank just slipped on a bar of soap and hit his eye on the sink.  (The injury does not at all resemble what it would if this were the case.)  Henry is happy to accept Trapper's explanation.  I would actually prefer it if Trapper said, "Look, Henry, Hawkeye did hit Frank, but can you blame him?  The guy's been getting on our nerves for months."  It would be in character and, even if I didn't agree with Trapper, it would still be far preferable to him lying to save his buddy's ass.

Also meanwhile, Reese (Mary Wickes, whom I normally enjoy). shows up and soon is on the make for Frank, especially when Margaret admits that Frank is unhappily married.  Frank goes looking for Margaret and finds Reese, who's staying in her quarters.  Reese comes on to him despite his mild protests, and in fact offers quid pro quo promotion.  (Not that they called it that back then, but it does meet the legal definition.)  Earlier Reese was disappointed to hear what Hawkeye was arrested for, hoping it was for "jumping a nurse."  So now she starts kissing Frank, and Margaret walks in.  And Reese starts hollering, "Rape!"  The reaction of the rest of the camp is annoyance that the Gene Tierney movie has been interrupted and, as they all go to investigate, Trapper makes a crack about never having been to a rape before, like this is the next phase of the evening's entertainment.  Margaret, angry that Frank was seemingly cheating on her, rescinds her testimony against Hawkeye and says that Frank had slipped on a bar of soap.  So Hawkeye is freed and Frank is under arrest.  THE END!

A nice moment in an otherwise ghastly episode

The only reason why I didn't go lower with the grade is because I sort of like the sub-subplot about Radar ordering elevator shoes.  It's sad that he thinks they're necessary (Gary Burghoff, I had such a crush on you!), but it does lead to a sweet and funny little scene between him and Klinger, who's so sympathetic that he not only lowers the hems on Radar's slacks but helps him stand up in the lifts.  Towards the end of the episode, Hawkeye questions why Radar ordered the lifts, and he says that everyone makes fun of him, "including you."  Hawkeye apologizes and says he's been wrong to do this.  Which would be touching if, one, I didn't have the feeling that there would be more height jokes from Hawkeye down the road, and two, if there were any lightbulb moment where Hawkeye says, even if just to himself, "Gee, and I guess I've been even more out of line to Margaret, who, whatever her flaws, is usually a wonderful nurse."

Jeff Maxwell (Straminsky), Kellye Nakahara (Yamato), and Dennis Troy (an MP again) return.